Eat Only the Junk Food That You Make

Hey, Twinkies, don’t let the door hit you on the way out! Boxes of Twinkies are selling for $100 on eBay since Hostess shut down last week. Why people ever ate Twinkies is a mystery to me.

Look at the ingredient list:
Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Flour, Reduced Iron, B Vitamins (Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (B1), Riboflavin (B2), Folic Acid)], Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Water, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening (Soybean, Cottonseed and/or Canola Oil, Beef Fat), Whole Eggs, Dextrose. Contains 2% or Less of: Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, Red 40. (Yuck!) 

But the chemicals in Twinkies are not my gripe. (After all, the FDA says they’re safe.) I take umbrage at the ease with which Twinkies move from thought-form to down the hatch. Those 300 calories in two Twinkies should not come so easily. It’s best to earn your Twinkies by making them a hassle.

How to Travail in Twinkies

Go to the store to buy the canoe pan and creme injector, and another store to purchase the ingredients. Measure, sift, heat milk, melt butter, and separate eggs. Beat the bajesus out of the whites and then the yolks, fold, and scrape the batter into the molds. Beat the butter, sugar and Marshmallow Fluff and pour it into the injector. Pipe it into the little holes you make through the middle of each cake. (Good luck with that.) And while you’re at it, be sure the cake doesn’t collapse and absorb the filling. Now clean the kitchen, and consider how you’ve burned the 300 calories you are about to eat. Plus, your Twinkies are chemical-free.

Your thoughts: Isn’t my policy great?

Here’s a Twinkies Recipe. Knock yourself out.